(no subject)

elishacat

August 13th, 2006

I... have no idea how to describe what I'm feeling right now.

I had a very interesting message from someone last night, proposing that I participate with them, and Sarny, in an... intimate encounter of the third kind.

Years ago, I would have been... sure! Let's dooo eet!

Now... I don't know. I still want to, and I know I will. And I still don't really think that's a wrong thing. I never said my relationship with Sarny would be an exclusive one -- point of fact, he's the one who was somewhat uncomfortable with me -not- being exclusive with him, and he's at least 50% of the idea to do what's been suggested. I'm kinda proud of him, for being openminded like that...

but...

I'm still trying to get a hold of my feelings for the other person involved. Is that why it feels strange?

Or am I really growing up? I mean, I'm not as... catting around as I used to be, installing myself in random places with sexy crap on waiting for someone to pick me up and take me home. I don't really do that as much anymore. I don't know why. Maybe it's seeing Ash also grow up (thought I doubt he really has) with his family and mates and stuff... or Fallon at least getting slightly respectable although I really don't think she has.

Or.

Or.

I don't know.

Dear diary, what do I do? I want to be with this other person, and Sarny, but part of me couldn't help being very very slightly jealous when she told me what she and Sarn were doing.

But I don't know if I was more jealous of her being with him, or it not being me with her.

And either way, the thought was still a turn-on.

How much of what I'm feeling about this is me, and how much is the genetic disposition my mother gave me when she designed me?

I don't know.

...

I'll do it, I know. I know I love Sarny... and... I'm sure I love her too.